so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
