During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
