today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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