I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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