one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
