I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
