I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I need to calm my uterus...