hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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