I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
