We won't sleep together?
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
