I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
