just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
