now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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