when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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