Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
