you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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