I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
