I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
