If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
