It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
