'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
