you would pick up someone in the library
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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