i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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