the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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