Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She's the barista slut.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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