i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
