"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
me + whiskey = a bad person
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
