I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
he thought i was a dude.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
