after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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