Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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