He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
