How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
