The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
