dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
