Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
