Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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