I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
