I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My penis needs a shock collar
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
that is very illegal...i love you.
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