I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
