at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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