That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
