I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
