New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
