She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
