Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
