she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
