Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
