Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
