like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
