no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
