Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Couch. On fire.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
