i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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