As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
