I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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