I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
