Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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