Your dad touched me again.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
