i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The beer is more important than you right now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
