The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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