the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I fill condoms, not promises.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
