I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
