We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
